How To Win the Iran War

A guide for strategic geniuses.

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If you are a very stable strategic genius launching a major military operation in Iran, there are a few measures you’ll want to undertake in order to ensure total victory.

Trust me. I’m a chess player. I know strategy.

First, skip the planning phase. Once you have a target, it’s time to turn on the Top Gun soundtrack and hit the gas. Which one was the war with Pearl Harbor and all of that? (You just mused aloud on this in front of the prime minister of Japan.) Whose side was America on? Whatever. You famously never did any planning back then, and you still won (right?).

Outlining your objectives and gaming out scenarios is sissy business for betas like George Marshall, Dwight D. Eisenhower, and Ulysses S. Grant. If they close the Strait of Hormuz, you’ll dredge a new strait across Saudi Arabia, and Iran will pay for it!

Next, bully your allies. They will respect you more and be more responsive to your demands if you levy tariffs against them, threaten to seize their territory, and insult their leaders. No one likes a weakling. Sometimes projecting strength means being a dick.

You should be especially hard on Ukraine, the country that’s been fighting the same enemy as you for the past four years. So-called experts keep saying something about your bases being exposed to drone attacks, throwing around fancy phraseology like “battlefield experience.” But if the Ukrainians had such valuable experience, why haven’t they won yet? And why do they keep asking you for help?

While you’re at it, why not antagonize some of your own citizens in the leadup to the war? Public opinion only matters if the public has a say, and since you’re not entirely sold on the whole free and fair elections idea, that really is not the priority. And your predecessors rarely asked Congress for permission to go to war, so why start now?

The same is true when it comes to pissing off the Iranian people. You’ve heard they’re chanting your name and “USA” in the streets. They wanted this, so why go above and beyond for hearts and minds you already own?

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Of course, being a jerk to everyone all of the time is bad for your mortal soul, and you are concerned about getting into heaven, right? So if you’re mean to your allies and your constituents, you have to be nice to someone else to compensate.

How about making nice with the Russians? The Kremlin is known for its trustworthiness and will surely reciprocate your gestures of goodwill. You’ve heard Vladimir Putin can be very helpful. He’s good at deals and is always surrounded by holy men, so he must be on to something divine.

This is The Art of the Deal meets The Art of War. They’ll call you a twenty-first century Clausewitz, which you might take as a compliment if you knew who that was. Oh well. Sounds German, at least! Follow these steps and they’ll have the “mission accomplished” banner flying over the aircraft carrier deck before you know it. What was the mission again?

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